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Mar. 29th, 2007 | 04:44 pm

“You’re in love with him.”
“I'm not in love with him. How could I be when I'm totally heartbrokenly smitten with someone else?”
“Who?” he asked me unknowingly.
That was the end. Not the beginning, mind you, the end. I let him in and fell for him hard, but he didn’t see a thing. He was good like that, never looking for more than what he had already. He once told me that he felt blessed that I saw enough in him to be his friend. Little did he know how much I saw in him. He was perfect. Everything I ever wanted to be wrapped up in one person.
I’m getting off topic. This isn’t a story about him, it’s a story about me, and how much he changed me. A story about who I became, who I was, and who I never can be again.
I met Alasdair when I was a kid. No really, when I was a kid. I guess I was seven when it all really got started, that was the summer I got my first dose of the terror he was back then. That’s when I found out what a nightmare a little boy can be to a lonely shy little girl he regards as the enemy. Our parents were close, very close, I mean until I was older I thought they were family. They were part of the same social circles, went to the same country club, you get the picture. My parents ,of course, thought Alasdair was precocious and a little angel; his parents thought the same of me. The difference of course was that his parents were right. All right I wasn’t but I was certainly closer than he was!
I’m getting off topic. When I was seven our families started spending even more time together, we began traveling to a house on the shore in North Carolina every summer. Together. For the entire summer. I’m sure this was quite lovely for those four people that were good friends but it certainly wasn’t good for me. Back then Alasdair was hazardous to my health. Looking back I know that this wasn’t all his fault, I was partially to blame because I basically handed it to him on a silver platter. I was a shy meek little thing and Alasdair saw that, and milked it for all that it was worth. He had me calling him “Sir” by the end of the summer!
Thankfully for me we traveled down in separate cars, I don’t think I could have survived more than eight hours in a car with no where to run. Of course my relief was only so long, as soon as we had arrived I saw that Alasdair had brought his friend Erik and they both started in on me with gusto.
“Hey brat!” Alasdair yelled, running out of his own car and into my own, Erik hot on his heels. Before I could sneeze I was surrounded in the backseat with no where to go. I began tugging on my hair, just a nervous tick I guess, something I did whenever I was afraid. I can remember being so scared I nearly screamed, these two little monsters tormented me to no end at school, now I would have to live with them for the whole summer.
“What?” I muttered, nibbling on my lip nervously.
“What did the rock say to the mushroom?” I visibly relaxed and glanced between the two of them. This wasn’t some scheme to land me in a pile of mud or cover me with bees, it was just a joke. Looking between them I noticed how different my two tormentors truly were. Erik had hair like sunshine and bright clear blue eyes that were always laughing, even when he most needed to be serious. Darien on the other hand was dark. At least his coloring was dark, hair and eyes reminiscent of midnight. So literally, the two were like night and day. The only thing I’ve found that they both have is the dangerous (in my eyes anyway) twinkle in their eyes whenever they approach me. Now I was different from both of them. My hair was this color that changed with the seasons, white blonde in summer, honey in fall and spring, and almost brown in winter. My eyes were even more odd. With a ring surrounding the iris the color morphed within it, from green, to brown, to amber flecked with red. Thankfully I could hide them behind my thick lenses, and thankfully I hid myself behind those frames as well.
“You look like a fun guy! Fungi!” Erik blurted out; he couldn’t even wait for my response. Both he and Alasdair burst into laughter and soon it echoed through the car. I thought it safe to giggle with them. I was wrong. They both suddenly stopped laughing and looked at me, their gazes unreadable. “What are you laughing at?” Erik asked quietly.
“You couldn’t be laughing at me.” Alasdair said, his brow furrowed. My lower lip began to tremble.
“Well that would mean she’s laughing at me. Are you laughing at me?” Eric said with an identical frown. I immediately began to sob. “Say sorry” he demanded, his voice cutting through my fear.
“I’m sorry.” I sniffled, afraid to say anything more lest I give them a chance for more teasing.
“I’m sorry, what?” Alasdair said clearly, pointing out that I had missed something.
“I’m sorry, Sirs.” I managed to squeak out between sobs. They burst out laughing once more at my tears and that was it. I climbed over Alasdair and jumped out of the car running straight into my mothers arms.

(no subject)

Mar. 23rd, 2007 | 05:38 am
mood: crushed crushed

Im so angry at him....at billy....I shouldnt be, I haven't seen him in forever...but still..I'm angry.

The worst part? I'm not angry that he killed himself...no I'm not angry that he walked in front of a train. I'm angry that he did what I couldn't, no matter how many times i tried i still failed at that....guess im glad no one will read this cause i'd get ripped into

i dont want to be here anymore. IM NOT MEANT FOR THIS WORLD

I cant I just cant. Shannon was talking about how we all need to get together, all of us from ELS, how we can't let this happen again, and i just felt so guilty. I felt so awful, so....so pointless...I shouldnt have gotten this far, i know how he was feeling

god i wish i could have gone home for the funeral, maybe id feel better....I want out of this I want out of this feeling, I don't want to feel like i'm wasting my life anymore.

I need to figure this out. who the fuck am i. who am i. WHO AM I.....

(no subject)

Feb. 1st, 2007 | 09:23 pm

1. Do you like chinese food? Love Love Love, but i'm very picky

2. How big is your bed? At home, queen size futon

3. Is your room clean? Never, Never, Never

4. Laptop or Desktop computer? Laptop, i love this laptop so dearly

5. Favorite comedian? Eddie Izzard then Dane

6. Do you smoke? Nope

7. Does anyone like you? Highly doubt that

8. Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice? No clue

10. Sleep with or without clothes on? With..my PJ's are freakin adorable

11. Who sleeps with you every night? I've always slept alone, and I probably always will.

12. Do long distance relationships work? I wouldn't know

13. How many times have you been pulled over by the police? Never, I'm an awesome driver.

14. Pancakes or French Toast? Pancakes, made by trisch

15. Do you like coffee? No.

16. How do you like your eggs? Sunny side up

17. Do you believe in astrology? Meh, not really

18. Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom

19. Last person on your missed call list? Meri

20. What was the last text message you received? "So she says"

21. McDonalds or Burger King? Neither, I don't like fast food, but if i need to eat it, Wendy's

22. Number of pillows? 4+

23. Last thing you ate? Smartfood popcorn

24. Last thing you bought? Photo products

25. What are you hearing right now? Grey's Anatomy

26. Pick a lyric? "Let's talk, and we'll fill the air, with imagery that lasts forever"

27. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Strawberry

28. Can you play pool? I kind of rock like that, yes

29. Do you know how to swim? Practically a dolphin

30. Favorite ice cream? Fossil Fuel

31. Do you like maps? Only ancient maps, i think they're neat

32. Tell me a random fact: Im a total girl when it comes to movies and TV

33. Ever had a hard on at work? I must say i lack tha capacity

34. Ever attend a theme party? They're the best kind.

35. Ever do a keg stand? No thank you.

36. Craziest place you've slept after a night of drinking? Never had that crazy of a night

37. What is your favorite season? coin toss between fall and spring.

38. What is the first music video you ever saw? No idea

39. Pick a movie quote: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

40. Favorite quote: ignoring that.

41. What is your favorite hangout? The Lair.

42. Best friend's name? I don't have best friends, i have my family.

43. How long have you known them? college for some of them, life for others.

44. Last time you laughed at something stupid? Every other minute or so

45. What time did you wake up this morning? 1pm.....::blush::

46. Wake up next to anyone? my stuffed lion that i got for christmas from len

47. Best thing about winter? Snow.

48. Name a couple of favorite colors: Green.

49. How old are you? 19

50. What month is your birthday in? May

51. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated? Coolness!

52. Favorite Dave Matthews Band song (if you have one?) dont have one

(no subject)

Jan. 27th, 2007 | 04:18 am
mood: confused confused

Why all of a sudden do i feel guilty again? Why do i feel like....i owe him another chance?

goddamnit i dont want to feel like this, i never want to feel the way he made me feel....i hated myself in that relationship, if you can even call it that

do i really need someone else to make me feel worth something...i didnt before him
but i still hear some of it in my head
"no guy is gonna want to date a girl with thighs the size of tree trunks, better start running again"
"Weak""Stupid""FAILURE" "A good girlfriend wouldnt want to be with her friends she'd want to be with me"
"You don't need to go to track practice, they dont need you or want you there"
"They wouldn't miss you if you were gone, i mean who would? Not like you're some prize."

Thats the big one. Who would miss me? Hell i wouldn't miss me. I'm a broken mass huddled in the corner avoiding anything that actually would make a difference. I can't get over...anything, every little thing sticks in my head and my heart. feels like...someones put a million tiny needles all over my body...
what an image is that
everytime i move they dig in just a little bit deeper, just a miniscule amount until soon theyre going to pierce everything that matters and then...nothing will matter

What the HELL is making me think of him? So what if he called, he's called before, it didn't send me swirling back into the blackened abyss....why can he do this to me? how can he do this to me?

Im strong damnit
im weak
Im fucking weak.
i cant fucking do this
Doesnt everyone deserve a second chance?
He says he changed, he said he misses me, and wants me back
even with everything, even knowing my past, my failure, my broken me

i am broken
who accidentally OD's on fucking advil.
really? good thing no one even noticed i was shaking that week
those would have been some fun questions....
im lost....find me please?

(no subject)

Jan. 25th, 2007 | 11:45 pm

i just want a guy who would care about me, a sweet boy-next-door type who wears his t-shirts till they're threadbare and have holes in them, who has to adjust his glasses every minute or two, i dont care if he plays magic and D&D in fact its adorable, i just want someone who will hang out with me and let me play with their hands and let me curl into him when im watching a scary movie
i found him, and i screwed it up


(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2006 | 03:20 am

i wish people would understand...
that no matter how many people i have who love me and want to listen to me, ....i still have to find the courage to say out loud to them what i would normally etch upon my skin
god i feel so empty
urge just hit me out of no where
it would be so eeasy too...go to the living room and dig through the box. find what i need. i know its there but ive promised so many people i wouldnt do this to myself again,
which...im a selfish bitch
i am
this is ridiculous
and this is why the nightmares are back
im selfish
no one but someone selfish would want to disappear like this.....

its funny

Dec. 14th, 2006 | 01:05 am
location: the lair
mood: pensive pensive

It's funny, you don't realize how lonely you really are until you open yourself up to someone....
The question is why did i do it?
Why did i open myself up to this? Don't get me wrong, i know it's dumb to fall in love with someone who you don't have a relationship with, but for some reason i went and did it. I wonder if his feet hurt, because he's been running through my head for days if not weeks
I see people together and want to cry...even though i'm strong and independant and like being that way....I want someone to protect me, to hold me while i'm sleeping so even if i have the nightmare again, i'll wake up and know that it's ok, it was just a dream. Someone who sees my brokenness but still thinks there's something in me worth loving. I want someone to cuddle me, and want to touch me, someone who wakes up in the morning just bursting to talk to me, for a silly reason, just to talk, someone who reaches out to me, i don't want to be one-sided in my life. I know i'm young and this is silly to be worried about but i am. I'd change it if i could. I wish that i could.
Why did i crawl out of my little bubble of self?
I had friends then, but i didn't let anyone into my heart...because this is what happens when you let someone in. You get more broken. Even if it's just a little bit more, it makes it harder to let someone in next time, not that anyone will want to
I was fine with being alone
I want to be fine with being alone
I don't want to ache like this every night
I don't want to need someone else to be whole
Even if before i wasn't whole at least i didn't know it
I had a glimpse of what it felt like, and i know that he cares about me, its just, as a friend, and i'm fine with it , really i am, i just wish it were different
but if wishes were horses beggers would ride
and no one would hurt
So on that note, i leave tonight with a poem

Though I am young, and cannot tell
Either what Death or Love is well,
Yet I have heard they both bear darts,
And both do aim at humane hearts :
And then again, I have been told,
Love wounds wtih heat, as Death with cold ;
So that I fear they do but bring
Extremes to touch, and mean one thing.

As in a ruin we it call
One thing to be blown up, or fall ;
Or to our end, like way may have,
By a flash of lightning, or a wave :
So Love's inflamèd shaft or brand,
May kill as soon as Death's cold hand ;
Except Love's fires the virtue have
To fright the frost out of the grave.
~Ben Jonson

Love and Death, so close to each other, yet mirror opposites, one a dark mirror one a bright mirror, and at one point in our lives we have to look into each and see what we are, who we are....

I want that guy who is going to love that i get cold when its 75 degrees out, i want him to love that it takes me an hour in Lush to pick out that one item i get everytime, i want him to love the crinkle i get on my brow when im thinking too hard, i want him to love that after spending the day with me he can still smell me, i want him to want me to be the last person he wants to talk to before going to sleep at night....Its not just because i'm lonely and we're coming up on new years again...Its because....i want to find that person who i want to spend the rest of my life with and i want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible...
I deserve that. I'm smart, i may not be gorgeous but im pleasant looking, i'm fun, and i deserve this, i deserve this person in my life....so where are you?

yay for writers block breaking!

Dec. 10th, 2006 | 07:24 pm

“This is it” she said.
“This is the scene where the heroine realizes she’s on the outside looking in. The scene where there’s no sound at all, except for this beautiful but haunting melody as she watches the world around her.”
“What are you talking about?” A slight smile flitted across her face as he looked down at her. Leaning against his leg she looked at peace for the first time. He couldn’t remember ever seeing her so relaxed. She let her guard down, for him, only for him.
“It’s ok…I’m ok being the one outside looking in.”
“But you aren’t love.” His hand crept down to where hers was resting on his knee, and grasped hers firmly. “There’s me, there’s two of us looking in now.” He kept a firm grip on her hand as he felt her tense. He could tell she was trying to gain control of her emotions, trying to find a way to lock him out again. “Don’t shut me out. Don’t close down. I’ll never hurt you, and you know that.” Her eyes caressed the floor, almost as if she would rather be the floor than herself.
“Why did you have to be amazing?” She asked, almost as if she were talking to herself. He reached down and took her face in his hands, turning her towards him.
“Someone up there likes you and knew that nothing short of amazing would work”
“Well aren’t you humble?” She said, sarcasm lacing the air.
“Only when I need to be, and love, with you, humble is not what I need to be.” Evie’s friends all looked at each other in shock. This man, with his easy smile, and teasing ways, was stepping around Evie’s anger and stubbornness like it didn’t even exist. She swallowed, her brain felt like it was full of cotton around this man, and that was not a feeling that she was used to.
“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me?” She whispered, leaning into him, all of a sudden her legs couldn’t support her weight, and she had to let herself trust that he wouldn’t let her fall.
“How did you do that?” Hunter turned his head towards the few people sitting on the couch, still supporting Evie’s weight.
“Do what?” He asked innocently. “All I did was not let her hide”
“No one can get Evie to open up when she doesn’t want to. She’s more secure than a Swiss bank account.”

(no subject)

Dec. 6th, 2006 | 11:35 pm

I believe that I can change myself
The past can’t be undone
But I’m holding on my back the burden
Time always reveals
In the dim light of a computer screen
In the wound that wouldn’t heal

It’s come back again
That rush of guilt
Of fear, of pain
Begging someone to hear my silent prayer
Heed my silent call
When the pool of red surrounds me
I know that you’ve found me again
And there’s no where for me to hide
From the emptiness you promise
From the healing you pretend to offer

Like a kick to the stomach,
You’ve returned and push to be welcomed
When you see me in that pool of red
You will know that you have found me
You will know that I am yours

(no subject)

Dec. 3rd, 2006 | 02:49 am
mood: uncomfortable uncomfortable

why this
why now
I'm so close to a year free
But i want it back
i need it back
i fucking want it back
that rush that healing even when im ripping myself apart its there for me to fall back on...what the hell am i saying
im wrong
i know im wrong
i know its bad, and its wrong
and i hurt others
but that temptation hits me at the weirdest times
today on the bus i just caught myself tugging at my hair again
twirling it around my fingers and pulling so hard i could almost feel it tearing out.....its an easy way of keeping myself focused, keeping myself from doing stupid things of a million different kinds

I hate being around everyone lately..but when im not with them i miss the energy and warmth i get from them...life...i take life from them
but i got attached, i let myself let them in
time for that to end
time for me to go back to my shell
things will be easier
no one to hurt
no one to disappoint
no one to hurt me for that matter
its time.